Because We’re Not Okay (But We Can Be!)
So, you’ve spent years in the pit, screaming your heart out to MCR and Taking Back Sunday, but now your knees sound like an Underoath breakdown? It’s time to start a workout program that keeps your body from giving out before the next reunion tour. Whether you’re a seasoned mosher or just trying to survive the workweek without throwing your back out, here’s your step-by-step guide to getting strong—emo style.
Step 1: Define Your “Why” (Because We Love an Existential Crisis)
Before you start, ask yourself:
• Are you tired of being winded after one song at a show?
• Want to build strength so you can crowd surf without fear?
• Need an outlet for all that Midwest emo sadness?
Having a clear reason will keep you motivated when you’d rather sit in your car listening to Dashboard Confessional in the gym parking lot.
Step 2: Pick Your Workout Style (Choose Your Fighter!)
Your training plan should match your vibe:
• Strength Training – Power up like a Bring Me The Horizon breakdown. Focus on compound movements (squats, deadlifts, bench press) to build full-body strength.
• Cardio – Get your endurance up so you’re not literally dying after two songs in the pit. Running, cycling, or even jump rope can help.
• Mobility & Recovery – Because our bodies weren’t built for this. Yoga, stretching, and mobility work keep you from feeling like you’ve been hit by a tour bus.
Step 3: Build a Beginner-Friendly Routine (Slowly, We Unfold…)
Here’s a simple 3-day-a-week plan to get you started:
Day 1: Upper Body Strength (Mosh-Ready Arms & Shoulders)
• Bench Press – 3×8-10
• Bent-over Rows – 3×10
• Overhead Press – 3×8
• Triceps Dips – 3×10
• Plank – 3×30 sec
Day 2: Lower Body Strength (So You Can Stand Through a 3-Hour Setlist)
• Squats – 3×10
• Romanian Deadlifts – 3×8
• Lunges – 3×12 (each leg)
• Calf Raises – 3×15
• Hanging Leg Raises – 3×10
Day 3: Cardio & Core (Endurance for the Pit)
• 20-30 min steady-state cardio (bike, treadmill, or incline walk)
• Jump Rope – 3×1 min
• Russian Twists – 3×15 (each side)
• Hanging Leg Raises – 3×12
• Side Planks – 3×30 sec per side
Step 4: Don’t Skip Recovery (We’re Not 18 Anymore, Fam)
• Warm up before workouts (5-10 min dynamic stretching)
• Cool down and stretch post-workout
• Hydrate (not just with coffee and energy drinks)
• Prioritize sleep (yes, even if you’re a night owl)
Step 5: Set the Perfect Emo Gym Playlist (This Is Crucial)
Need some inspiration? I got you!
Here’s your essential elder emo gym playlist to get you through:
• My Chemical Romance – “Thank You for the Venom”
• A Day to Remember – “2nd Sucks”
• Paramore – “Misery Business”
•Underoath – “Writing on the Walls”
•Panic! At The Disco – “The Only Difference…”
Step 6: Track Your Progress & Stay Motivated
• Take progress photos (even if they feel cringe).
• Track your lifts or endurance improvements.
• Set goals like “Squat my bodyweight” or “Run for a full song without dying.”
• Remember: Consistency > Perfection.
Step 7: Join the Elder Emo Fit Community
You don’t have to do this alone! Connect with other elder emos who are prioritizing their fitness without giving up their Hot Topic hearts. Follow fitness pages (like Panic With Your Gym Bro), join online groups, and find your fellow swole sad kids.
Final Words: You Got This, Kid.
You may never outgrow your emo phase, but you can get stronger, healthier, and ready to keep screaming along at every show. Lace up those Vans (or gym shoes), grab your water bottle (or iced coffee), and start moving. Your body (and future self) will thank you.
What’s your biggest struggle when starting a workout? Let’s talk in the comments!
Panic! With Your Gym Bro 